Tommy Boy Really Really Loves David Beckhams

Tom Cruise has done such a magnificent job convincing the press about the authenticity of his heterosexuality and validity of his religion, that he's now planning to pass on all his skills to David Beckham. Poor Goldenballs is struggling with the American media.

According to The Times Of India, elocution lessons were first on the list as Beckham has replaced his normal "squeaky Cockney accent" with Cruise's "deeper, slower voice".

Following the change of voice, next will come wild gesticulating, a trait Cruise is often using in front of large audiences to engage, gain their support and compensate for his height. And then jumping up and down of sofas like a three-year-old who needs the loo.

Cruise has done such a good job that instead of the usual mocking Beckham suffers about the sound of his weedy voice, American journalists are remarking on how slick and assured he now sounds.

It doesn't stop there. The TOI reports, "Cruise has been drumming into Beckham", perhaps not in the way he might like, that Americans expect their famous folk to be "all-singing, all-dancing".

Which explains why he started with David. Victoria is clearly beyond all help on that account.

Holy Moly